Unfamiliar

  One summer day my daughter excitedly entered my room and said “Mom, I was invited to my friend’s birthday party. Can I go?”. My initial response was that I was happy for her. That was followed up by a barrage of questions. Who is she? How do you know her? Is she kind to you? Etc. She calmly answered the questions and I informed her that I needed to speak with her friend’s mother.  Her friend’s mother provided me with the details of the event and I informed her that my daughter could attend. I told her that we would attend with my son. She was receptive in a “the more the merrier” kind of way. The day of the party arrived and my daughter was ecstatic. She had her outfit, her bathing suit, and a birthday gift. She was properly prepared for a good time. When the three of us arrived to the party, we were greeted with a warm welcome. There were schoolmates and family members of the birthday girl present. I realized that I was the only parent of the classmates  there. That did not bother me; it bothered my daughter. When she ran and swam off with her friends, I wasn’t too far away. I checked on them and checked on my daughter frequently. My son sat in the shade with his “I could’ve stayed home” face. There was a point in the party when my daughter said “Mom, none of the other adults are doing what you’re doing”. I responded “I’m not like the other adults”. I picked up on her discomfort, but I didn’t know what else to say.

     The party went on. My son didn’t complain. My daughter had fun and we made it home safely. While alone I reflected on the day. I replayed the party in my mind and I sat with my thoughts.  I realized that I was  unfamiliar with sharing my daughter with the rest of the world in public spaces. I was more familiar with arm-length distance. I was unfamiliar with my daughter running off with a group of children that she knew but I didn’t. I wasn’t familiar with her relying solely on her feelings and less on mine. After I made sense of my feelings, I expressed them to my daughter then I apologized. The both of us expressed understanding and concluded that unfamiliarity can be challenging.

     Someone once said that “Humans are creatures of habit”. Many people are accustomed to routine and consistent expectation. People leave home at a certain time for work, eat meals at a certain time of day, are familiar with their neighbors and are even more familiar with themselves. Matters that  arise outside of our habits, routine, or realm can induce discomfort. This can be even more challenging when we factor in another person.

     When it comes to sharing spaces, I have seen couples and friends struggle. Many individuals are not familiar with sharing a bathroom or a refrigerator. Some people are unfamiliar with sharing their children with other people. Some people may be unfamiliar with blended families. Some are not accustomed to considering someone outside of themselves. Countless people are unfamiliar with holding space for another person in a discussion. A vast number of people are unfamiliar with current advances in technology and science. Many young adults aren’t familiar with living alone. Some aren’t familiar with caring for a home.

     In relationships, someone may think that their partner is uninterested or they don’t care. If there is a belief among loved ones that the other person is disinterested and uncaring, conflict may result. They may even ask “How could you NOT know that?”.  It can be helpful to remember that things that may come natural for some may be unfamiliar to others. Certain parenting styles may feel natural for one parent and it may feel unfamiliar to the other. Communication styles and patterns may feel natural and be familiar to one however, it may be unfamiliar to the other.

      A considerable number of people are unsure of what to do when things are unfamiliar. Many may experience anxiety in situations that are unfamiliar.  When anxiety shows up, it is often accompanied by doubt. When two people try to co-exist there can be high levels of expectations and assumptions. Effective communication can be useful to decrease conflict. I encourage couples to make space for things to be unfamiliar. Space is most effective when it is paired with grace.

     I have had to create space and choose to extend grace to myself. I remember taking physics, learning to ride a bike, learning a new language, visiting a new country, and moving to a new state for the first time. On some days I felt like a fish out of water and on others I dove deep into the unknown. I did best when I allowed myself to be a beginner.

     Unfamiliar can feel exhausting and intimidating. It can be challenging to learn Portuguese after speaking English. Unfamiliar is not the same as impossible. I encourage you to allow things to be unfamiliar. It can be helpful to acknowledge what is unfamiliar and make space for things to simply be unfamiliar. Give yourself and your loved ones room to be beginners. Consider what you need to feel comfortable with unfamiliarity and allow space and grace to be your guide. Space looks like room to be human without pressure. Space also looks like room to feel the feelings associated with what is unfamiliar. Grace practiced looks like gentleness, empathy, and courtesy that is extended to self and shared with others.