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The Truth about Forgiveness…

dyonharris

Updated: Dec 14, 2023

Forgiveness Defined


Forgiveness is necessary for our physical and mental health. Choosing not to forgive places weight in the mind that over time will show up in the body. It may also show up when we try to connect with others.  Merriam-Webster defines forgive as to cease to feel resentment against an offender. Many people struggle to forgive because they believe that forgiveness is synonymous with approve. The two are quite different. Recognizing the need to forgive or choosing to forgive does not mean that you agree with the actions of another. Forgiveness is the gym that aids in losing weight that you do not want to carry. There are barriers, benefits, and various ways to forgive. Let take a closer look at the truth about forgiveness.


After an individual that has been harmed or wronged, resentment can build. They may feel as though that resentment or anger is warranted and they may want to hold on to it. There are reasons for that. With forgiveness comes vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt, let down, or disappointed. “What if u forgive this person and they do it again”? “If I forgive them, they will think it is okay”. Those are some of the narratives that people believe to be true. Those narratives may be rooted in the belief that we are responsible for the actions of another. We are not. Every breathing being has choices and the choices of others is not a weight that we can afford to carry. Forgiveness is not a debt to be paid over a lifetime. The person that pays the price of resentment is not the offender. It is the person that struggles to forgive. Some may want to forgive but be unsure of how to. It can be helpful to remember that Forgiveness is rooted in love for self and mankind. Forgiveness is about grace.


Barriers to forgiveness


There are many things that can interfere with extending grace. That tells us that there are many things that can interfere with forgiveness. Trauma feeds distrust. Sometimes that distrust and fear interferes with forgiveness. Distrust fosters hyper-vigilance and hyper -vigilance wants to protect you. This is often revealed in significant interpersonal relationships. Look at the example of Cadence. Cadence is a 37 year old woman. She dated her college sweetheart for 4 years. On their 4 year anniversary, she discovered that he had a child. She immediately ended the relationship. She was single for 3 years before meeting Demetrius at a Science Social event. She believes that Demetrius is a gem and Demetrius believes that she does not trust him. Cadence looks through his cell phone, checks his social media, and accuses him of things that he has never done. Prior to their relationship, Cadence did not identify as hyper-vigilant. In the relationship, she feels an unwarranted need to “protect herself”. Cadence struggles to recognize that she carries the weight of her previous relationships.


Forgiveness is not a first class, non-stop flight to disrespect island. On the road to forgiveness be sure to pack your boundaries and your safety. Like many good things, forgiveness can be weaponized. Weaponizing forgiveness looks like engaging in repeated unpleasant and undesired behavior because forgiveness is anticipated. Deliberately going against agreements because forgiveness is expected. Pressuring someone to forgive when they are not ready. Comparing how someone forgave another person for something “so much worse” to their current situation. Remember, forgiveness is an inside job and we are not responsible for the journey of another. We can be of assistance if we are on the receiving end of forgiveness, we can choose to not weaponize it. Forgiveness is a gift and there are barriers that can interfere with receiving and providing forgiveness.


Barriers to forgiveness include feeling like the other person does not deserve your forgiveness, believing that your resentment is justified, wanting to protect yourself, believing that you are right, not wanting to talk to them again, being unaware, fear, and sadness's fraternal twin, anger. Each of those things can impede our interest with forgiving. It can be helpful to resolve those things then make space for forgiving.


How to forgive


Sometimes we forgive for others and sometimes we forgive for our self. Often time, it is both. In situations where two individuals are involved, forgiveness can look like acknowledging the disconnect or behavior that wasn’t preferred. Holding space for emotions to exist (disappointment, hurt, resentment, frustration, anger, etc.), Being honest about possible anxiety and concern around forgiving. Creating a plan that is honest and agreed upon. The idea behind the plan is that it can help to foster trust in the area, rebuild confidence, help to heal the wound, and provide reassurance. Often times individuals would like reassurance that the forgiven action will not reoccur.


Sometimes forgiveness looks like being honest about the fact that people are simply people. They might forget to take the trash out. They might forget to text as soon as they roll over in the morning. They might oversleep and miss the school bus. They might miss the flight. They might not make it to the birthday party. They just might be celebrating other family members. They might take a vacation instead of spending special occasions with family. People have the ability to perpetuate irritation and frustration within us. That often happens when our preferences are not met. It is encouraged that you do not internalize the actions of those you love or care about.  Despite how deep the love may be everyone that you love is having an entire experience that exists outside of you.  Beware of associations. Because they forgot to take the trash out does not mean that they do not love you. Because they chose to visit their spouse’s family first does not mean that you are not a priority or that they do not care. It does not mean that you are forgotten because someone didn’t pack your lunch. Because they were late does not mean that you aren’t a priority or that they don’t want to be there. In the situations above, forgiveness may look like a silent discussion with self. A gentle reminder to yourself that even the people you love have lives and preferences that exist outside of you. Imagine the deficit we’d be in if someone tallied every unintentional infraction or shortcoming. Forgiveness is not about keeping score. When the matter boils down to personal preference, forgiveness is your friend.


I’ve had to forgive myself. I’ve had to hold space for the possibility that I may disappoint myself. I am not a robot. Imagine that time you swore off chocolate cake only to find yourself with a slice of chocolate cake. Or the time you got that gym membership that you didn’t use. That time you missed the deadline. The time you promised to stay far away from that ex. The time you behaved in ways that were unlike you. Did you take the heels and leave the sneakers at home? Did you go out and leave your wallet? Or even the time that you made a promise to yourself that you didn’t keep. Or even bigger, something traumatic happens and there is guilt. Forgiveness with self can be tricky. It is not always cut and dry. Sometimes we forgive ourselves multiple times for the same things. Some people forgive themselves for nothing. That can look like believing that “everything is my fault”. That involves self-blame, self-judgement, and negative self-talk. Sometimes this entails perfectionism and at others it can entail a low-self esteem. The extremes exist because people may feel like they need to do everything right and be perfect or nothing they do is good enough and they are unworthy. Gentle reminder number two, you too are human. Being human does not come with a handbook. There is no secret formula. It can be challenging when you’re forgiving yourself and it feels like it’s you vs. you. Forgiveness with self does not have to be a fight nor an over-extended war. Forgiveness is one step closer to recovering the mind and the nervous system. Forgiveness with self too can look like acknowledging feelings associated with the matter. Making space for those feelings to exist. Being honest about any guilt and judgements. If there are changes that need to be made, let’s make them. Are we going to use the gym membership or cancel it? Or we going to incorporate the chocolate cake or are we going to try to refrain again? With a traumatic event, the change may be in the perspective. An example would be changing the belief about blame. That could look like recognizing that it wasn’t your fault or that you did the best you could in that moment. When you realized  and had the capacity to do things different and better, you did. Not forgiving yourself is like having your mind in a cage that only you can see. That can be debilitating and exhausting. Free your mind is more than just lyrics to a song. It is a practice. Socially, there is  immense pressure to be productive. To be whole. To be successful. To be “the best version of yourself.” I am not against those things but I also recognize how some of the messages can act as a barrier to forgiving self. Forgiving self is not about making excuses. It is about making space for you and your mind. For you and the parts of you that do not deserve to be punished  for a moment of time in your timeline.


Benefits of forgiving


Forgiveness is the soul’s way of releasing a burden it was never meant to carry. Forgiveness is makes space for reality and possibility to exist is an alliance between the soul and the mind. Forgiveness isn’t about finding shelter in the flaws of another. It is about building a space where you feel safe. Sometimes others may not “deserve” your forgiveness, but you do. You deserve to release the anchor  of resentment, anger, and frustration. Forgiving someone does not mean that you agree with the decision that they made. It does mean that you are releasing the weight of their decision. You are choosing to no longer internalize what they did. It is not a free pass for disrespect. It is not a get out of jail free card. It is about you holding space for you. Then you have the option to fill that space with whatever you choose to.


In long term friendships and relationships, forgiveness is required. Love cannot exist without forgiveness. Forgiveness can look different for different people. You may choose to forgive and laugh and hug again. Or you may choose to part ways and then forgive.


Forgiveness initially may cause chaos to the ego but eventually it will bring peace to the soul. The ego wants to protect you and the soul wants to connect you.


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