Poverty shaped me and influenced my life in ways that I was not aware of until recently. My family and I had positive experiences like trying new restaurants and going to the movies. As a kid we went to Chuck E. Cheese quite often so I was unaware that we were poor. I was also unaware of how certain experiences would affect me well into adulthood.
My earliest memory of poverty dates back to when I was about 5 years old. My uncle who was rarely in the position to give gifted me a bag of change. I was eager to take it to school because I wanted to purchase a snack at lunch. I never had such an opportunity and I was thrilled at the thought. I don't remember what led to the conversation but I do recall my mother looking at me and saying "leave that money here". Do not take it to school. I nodded in agreement but I took it anyway. I purchased the yummiest, moistest, softest chocolate chip cookie to date and I enjoyed every bit of it. When I made it home there were consequences for my actions. A few months later my sisters and I made sandwiches and one of us, probably me, decided not to eat it. The sandwich was found in the trash by my mother. There were consequences for throwing away food.
At 8 years old my family and I were planning a weekend away from home. My mother bought my sisters and I new white sandals for the getaway. I thought they were the prettiest cloth sandals I ever laid eyes on. Prior to the planned weekend, I decided to wear the shoes out once and place them back in the box. I didn't have other "nice shoes" and I wanted to feel pretty among the other neighborhood kids. One time in those sandals turned into 5 and one day my mother decided to look at the shoes in the box and there were consequences for my actions. After the consequences, the shoes were replaced.
To some my actions may sound like nothing short of a child who simply did not listen. To others there appears to be a scarcity mindset. My belief at 5 was that if I didn't use the change I had to get the cookie, I would never have the chance to. I could not fathom that there would be other opportunities to purchase sweets. I also learned that if I did not eat what was in front of me, I may never eat. I also learned to not accept more food than I could finish which led to very small portions. At 8 years old I thought those white cloth sandals were my only opportunity to feel pretty.
By the time I entered the fourth grade I was accustomed to physical discipline out of frustration. So accustomed that I didn't think too much of it when my fourth grade teacher became frustrated and violated boundaries with students due to frustration and her inability to regulate her emotions. The students and I didn't even mention it to those at home. Prior to entering the fifth grade, my family and I moved from one side of Chicago to another. The change can be described as relocating from a less affluent area to one that can be described as upper middle class. Although my external environment changed, internally I was still poor. The change required me to adjust and some things were deeply embedded within me. Such that my fifth grade teacher did not engage with me as lovingly as she did with the other students.
Many of the adults I saw outside the home smoked cigarettes and drank regularly. My saving grace was my mother who didn't smoke or drink. That and the DARE program who came to my new school and encouraged us to say no to drugs. I took that pledge seriously.
By the time I was a tween I didn't ask for things because I concluded that we didn't have extra money. Someone taught me that if you are not able to afford it, you can steal it. That became a behavior and I realized that I did not want to be a thief. The risk would not ever outweigh the benefits. Though my mindset was still rooted in scarcity, I accepted that if some materials were meant for me to have then I would earn them or they would be gifted to me. I learned to live without many things I desired the most. Life taught me that if you have to steal it, it is not meant for you to have.
I learned to become resourceful with meals and with fun. I can recall tasting many dishes for the first time because I was older when I tried them. I recall eating cold foods that were made to be warmed. I understand how coming from a poor place can shape nutrition. The view of relationships can be shaped from the environment as well. As a child I had poor examples of marriage and relationships in my neighborhood and family. At that time women had children and that was the beginning and the end of it. My views of relationships were poor. When I became interested in dating, I connected more with males who too had come from a poor place with poor examples. At some point I connected with an individual who had a rich experience when it came to family and a blueprint for love. We bumped heads for a few reasons. One of those reasons was largely due to the way coming from a poor place shaped my perspective of relationships. Many of the things I said and did were due to a scarcity mindset.
Coming from a poor place offered me some good. It allowed me to be resourceful. It allowed me the opportunity to enjoy myself as a being without attachments to material things. I was more grateful than many. It showed me that I never wanted to misuse substances. It also showed me that I could be there for others even in difficult times. It showed me the importance of giving and community. It also forced me to grow in a different direction for myself and those after me
The idea behind coming from a poor place is not to shame but to reveal how experiences can shape many relationships. The relationship with self, our family, loved ones, friends, colleagues, and spouses. Understanding the spare of poverty can be used to help deepen your connection with those you love. Here are a few things to consider. If your spouse is upset that the light bill is higher this month, they may feel afraid of their ability to pay it. If your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, that may be common or he/she may doubt their ability to find better. If your child is taking things that do not belong to them, they may not believe that they too can have nice things. If you see a parent giving her infant soda, they may be unfamiliar with nutrition. If you find yourself hoarding money, you may believe that you won't ever see it again. If a loved one hoards items, they may be concerned that they won't ever have them again. If your client uses the stove to warm their apartment, that may be a behavior they developed in childhood. If you or your partner appears to feel anxious about the relationship, he/she may have a fear of loss.
It is possible to exit the "poor place". Ironically, coming out of a poor place has little to do with money. It has a lot to do with honesty, patience, and a shift in thinking. In my 30s I chose to reflect on behaviors that I displayed that felt out of proportion to situations. I was honest with myself about the scarcity mindset that I developed in childhood and how that affected the relationships I had. I was also honest about the different influences that are heavier in poorer communities like violence and hypersexualization in music. I was honest about what resonated with me and what didn't. I was honest about the work I wanted to do, how I wanted to feel, how I wanted to show, the type of life I wanted to have and the type of relationships i wanted to have. Learning and unlearning took place. I worked to shift my scarcity mindset to one of abundance. I have been intentional about genuine connections not rooted in trauma bonds. This was not an over night process. I had to have difficult discussions with myself about my experiences. I shifted my thinking by choosing to meditate, practice yoga, read, listen, learn, unlearn, listen to music, recondition, drown out the noise around me, and understand the voice within. I used the tools mentioned to heal and navigate life more intentionally. I was patient with myself throughout the process. Poverty comes in all shapes and sizes and it looks different in people. I encourage you to be patient with your children, partner, spouse, colleagues, clients, friends, and yourself. We have all been shaped by something.
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