It's 1994 and you're preparing for the fourth week of kindergarten. You were a little nervous on the first day of school because you preferred to be at home with your mother and your favorite toys. At week four, you have made a few friends and you have become attached to your teacher. During the third week of school your teacher informed the students that they could bring a special item for show and tell next Monday. After school you race home to inform your mother of the special news. You tell your mother that you plan to bring your absolute favorite toy. She responds that she understands you're excited then she encourages you to bring something less special so that if it breaks you will not be sad. You shrug your shoulders and follow mom's suggestion. The special day arrives, you show your item to the class and you tell the class all about it. Your classmates ooh and ahhh as you beam revealing two missing front teeth. Your first show and tell was a success.
It's 2007 and you're preparing to graduate high school. What started off as a group of 7 close-knit friends has dwindled to 3. In your freshman year of high school you connected with 6 individuals who had similar interests. In that group you felt like you could be yourself in ways that you did not share with your parents. You believed that you could reveal things to them that you could not reveal to others. You made up a name for the group and you promised to be friends for life. In your sophomore year of high school one of your friends moved out of the school district and another moved out of the state. The group of 7 became 5. Just before the start of your junior year another friend transferred schools. During your junior year, another friend entered a "serious relationship" and stopped spending time with the friend group. During your senior year, there was you and two other friends remaining from the 7 person friend group. You were eager to graduate that you did not give much thought to the fact that the group had dwindled. You did not give much thought to what was discussed among 7 friends in year one had changed by year four. You did not consider that what you all told one another would happen was different than what you saw happen. You accepted your diploma and considered high school a success.
It's 2022 and you're married. You and your spouse share two children. You both have a son who is 10 and a daughter who is 9. At this stage in your life, you have accomplished many things. You have a successful career and your spouse's business has taken off. Your interest is in caring for your family. You want to connect with your children and spouse. You want them to feel comfortable sharing personal thoughts with you. You believe that you are experienced and that you have the capacity for your children and your spouse to come to you for "anything". You tell them frequently "You can come to me". Yet you realize that they do not. You check in with your spouse and from that discussion you learn that you are perceived as not being receptive. After some self reflecting you realize that when your spouse confided about concerns regarding your mother-in-law, you informed your mother-in-law of what was said in private. When your son approached you about his crush, you responded that he did not know what he was talking about. When your daughter fell off her bike and skinned her knee, you told her to toughen up. What you told the family was not what you showed the family.
Over the years show and tell may have looked different. Ideally, when we express interest in wanting to deepen our connection with those we care for, we aim to see high levels of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy stems from emotional safety. One of the many ways to foster emotional safety is by ensuring that our behaviors are positively correlated with our statements. When we want our loved ones to feel like we are a safe space for their thoughts and feelings, we can tell them with our words and we can show them with our actions.
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