Few exchanges are ever neutral.
What this means is that each exchange with another person is either positive or negative. It either gives life to or it takes life from. Either weeds are nurtured or flowers are grown. Each significant interpersonal relationship with self or others has an invisible garden. What exists in the garden is a result what has been planted. If trust, effective communication, harmony, confidence, intimacy, security, safety, and other seeds of positivity have been planted, those are the things that will grow. We call those things, the flowers of the garden.
Weeds in the garden can be described as unpleasant behaviors, exchanges, thoughts, or feelings. Examples include disruption in connections, doubts, inaccurate narratives, anxious thoughts or feelings, poor communication, insecurity, and poor recovery from conflict.
A big difference between weeds and flowers is that weeds take life from and flowers gives life to. Weeds interfere with plants nutrients and growth. Flowers without proper nutrients are prone to diseases and infestations. Healthy interpersonal relationships require proper nutrition.
Growth:
Growth can be defined as becoming larger or greater over a period of time. Quite often, we are not able to notice subtle changes during the growth process. However, we are able to notice the result of growth. An example of this is a leaf on a tree. Few people notice the budding branches in Spring but we may notice the leaves on the trees in Summer and the colors in Autumn with ease. Similarly, in couples one person may not immediately be aware that there has been a decrease in shared contributions. However, over time they may notice a significant decrease in intimacy. In families, one parent may not be immediately aware of the impact of their words but over time they may notice that the children confide in one parent more than the other.
Weeds only grow under the right conditions. If a disconnection or misunderstanding exists it is because the conditions have been met for them to flourish. Negative energy is an opportunist. It too is like a weed that will spread like a wild fire under the right conditions.
Few may notice a weed or two that may sprout in a garden. They may not become aware that there are weeds in the garden until weeds have over taken the flowers and have become more obvious and difficult to ignore.
Overgrowth:
Overgrowth is what happens when something is too large beyond its normal size. In discussing gardens, it is helpful to consider what you want to plant and cultivate. We can only harvest what was planted.
In relationships, let’s associate overgrown as being when the demand exceeds the capacity. Overgrowth of weeds in any relationship has the potential to impact the look and feel of the shared garden.
Dormant:
Let’s say you feel as though you have attempted to water your flowers however, it looks like nothing has happened. In a dormant season, it appears that nothing is happening. In dormant periods, things are inactive or slowed down however there is great potential for reactivation. A volcano can be dormant for thousands of years before erupting again. What this tells us is that simply because the flower hasn’t yet bloomed does not mean that it will not. Often times there are many changes happening in the soil and we may simply be unable to see them. If the garden is for two, it will require two people to care for it. If the garden is for the family, it will require the energy and effort from the members of that family.
Garden Care 101:
Ask yourself, what have you planted? What have you watered in your relationships? What are you spreading.
If you recognize that the weeds in your garden have been watered or nurtured, do not fret. It is treatable and in many cases, curable. We treat the weeds by recognizing their presence. Acknowledge that there is something that is taking away from an area or areas that you wish to see grow. Next, carefully examine how those weeds found themselves in your garden. What were the right conditions? This part is not about placing blame or judgement. It is about assessing conditions with hopes of creating an environment that fosters growth in the areas you wish to see. After your assessment, consider what you would need to feel comfortable no longer watering the weeds. Do you need patience, trust, quality time, gentleness, or do you need to create a new neural pathway? A neural pathway can be described as a connection between neurons in the brain. A neural pathway is how our brain interprets information. That interpretation is largely based on our experiences. Our experiences create pathways in the brain from one section to another and it allows us to make sense of the world based on patterns. An example of this would be a child who tries an orange for the first time but the orange is old and moldy (gross, I know). Their initial experience with the orange will create a new experience in the brain. Repeated experiences with oranges will follow along the path. Each thought will have its own neural pathway. The great news about this is that our brain has billions of neurons and neural pathways. A benefit of this is that we are capable of having new experiences, making new associations, and creating new neural pathways. When a new neural pathway is created, we have choices. That is where we can make new associations and rewrite the narrative. It can be helpful to consider how our current neural pathways impact the garden.
If you want the flowers to grow in your garden, I encourage you to assess for weeds. Consider the condition of your garden. Do the weeds need to be extracted? Is there additional support that may be needed to remove weeds? The great news is that, just as weeds can grow, your flowers can too. Most things bloom beautifully under the right conditions.
Benefits:
There are several benefits to watering the flowers in your garden. Your garden may be a place to recharge you if you ever feel depleted. It is comfortable, more gentle, and good for one’s overall well being and health. Watering the garden fosters connection, intimacy, trust, empathy, vulnerability, and so many wonderful things that are necessary for human development at all ages and stages in life.
The things that you water and give energy to is what you are breathing life into.
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